A Writer's Retribution
by JaerWolfe
Summary: Hell hath no fury like a fic writer annoyed...


**_Disclaimer:_** I work out emotion in what I write. This fic is a vent. If you have reached this fic expecting a plot or any cohesive storyline, you've come to the wrong fic. The PS3 version of ME2 was released with an interactive comic that was shoddy and annoyed me and mistook Kaidan's character for that of one who died within minutes. The results of my irritation follows. The fact that a bug in the PS3 version shows Kaidan's image no matter who you romance or who survives Virmire is a guilty pleasure that provides fodder for my imagination.

* * *

"Ack!" Shepard squeaked the noise as she grabbed Kaidan and shoved him into the nearest store dragging him down quickly behind the nearest shelf.

"Shepard, what the hell..."

"Shhhhhh!" She hissed shoving him back farther into the store. "It's my biographer!"

Shaking his head with one of his 'I'm indulging you because you are insane but really good in bed' sighs, Kaidan played along. "You have a biographer?"

"No! He just thinks he is! He keeps screwing everything up!" Shepard gave a huffing snort. "Although I'm sure he thinks he's 'improving' it."

Kaidan blinked paying more attention to the strange looking long velvet covered tube in front of him that branched out on the end with three barbed points. "Doesn't a biographer tell a life story according to the facts? How can you 'improve' facts?" He extended a finger to poke at the tube and then shuddered at the squishy sliding feel it made.

"Mostly by completely rewriting them." Shepard lifted her head and found herself staring into a dark mask made from leather shaped to form what looked like a turian's head and painted to resemble Saren's face, the zippered mouth doing a good imitation of the dead spectre's. "Where am I?" The words were asked with dawning horror as she looked around.

Kaidan looked at a strange object resembling a club with nails in it and a disclaimer that said it was for krogans only. "I believe…"

"Welcome to Vorkan's Pleasure Palladium where serving you becomes your pleasure." An enthusiastic salarian joined them, a genial expression on his face. "Humans are not allowed to try the products before purchase."

A slow grin curved Kaidan's lips at the expression on Shepard's face. "We're in a sex toy shop hiding from your biographer." He answered. "That's probably one of those facts that will get rewritten."

"You're Commander Shepard!" The salarian made a squeeing noise moving closer to her. "This is a dream come true! You were our number one most wished for customer during our last PMS cycle!"

Shepard stared at him, her expression a mix of stunned disbelief. "I beg your pardon?" She said as Kaidan began to laugh.

"Powerful Motivational Sales! We have meetings every cycle." The salarian clarified. "Corporate offered a huge sales incentive if we could get your endorsement at any of our locations. And you chose me!" He took her hand and began to enthusiastically pull her across the room. "Please! You must try some of our products. I insist. Of course your endorsement will get you a discount on any purchases in the store."

"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite edible piece of underwear on Omega?" Kaidan offered with a disingenuous smile.

"Get me out of here. Now!" Shepard hissed at him only to have her eyes flicker past him to the doorway. Her face blanched. "Never mind. Kill me instead."

"Try this turian red-sand creme guaranteed to exfoliate and stimulate at the same time." The salesman shoved the product in her hand and then almost instantly jerked it back. "Wait a minute, this product has been known to severely scar or kill humans. I'll find something else." He started pushing through tubes and jars and bags, three fingers searching and finally moving to another shelf. "Humans have a redundant nervous system, don't they?"

Kaidan began to laugh, a hand over his mouth at the expression on Shepard's face as she looked at the glowing pink spiked bar shaped vaguely like a 'W' with a long handle the salarian shopkeeper was waving at her.

"Commander Shepard!" The call of her name from the front of the store cut her original response off.

Shepard let loose with a steady stream of profanity that had the salarian nodding his head sagely as he listened. "Yes, Commander, I can provide oils and creams as well as many hors d'oeuvres for most of those positions."

"Commander Shepard!" The human male tugged on Shepard's arm trying to catch her attention. "You must not have heard me. I've been shouting for blocks."

Kaidan wasn't sure what disturbed him more…the fact that the male was wearing Phoenix Armor with several daisy chains painted about the chest plate or that the pink so closely matched the strange object in the salarian's hands. He decided neither once the other man shifted and he saw the hand painted image of Liara T'Soni covering most of the biographer's back with heart shapes surrounding it like a demented Valentine's Day halo.

"Hello, Mack Walters-Chudson." Shepard said in tones that would have sounded appropriate to a prisoner about to be executed.

"I finished writing the first book summarizing your adventures!" He shoved a datafile at her. "I promised you I wouldn't spoil it for you and let you read it first, but you know me and my promises." He laughed waving a dismissing hand.

"I'd have been okay if you'd kept this one. " Shepard answered but took the datafile. "I suppose you'll want me to let you know what I think."

"Oh, no." Mack Walters-Chudson laughed again. "You are far too close to the subject to be in any way impartial. I will simply content myself knowing that I have succeeded in bringing Commander Shepard to life. It's like you're my creation, except that would be silly. If you were my creation you'd be male and just adore asari."

Kaidan quickly caught the clenched fist of his very female and very pissed off Commander Shepard. "Thank you, Mr Walters-Chudson. It was kind of you to think of Commander Shepard. We'll read it later." He began to tug her toward the door.

"Oh! You're Corporal Jenkins, aren't you?" Mack Walters-Chudson snapped his fingers nodding. "I remember you. You're in my work as well."

"Corporal Jenkins died when the _colony_ at Eden Prime was attacked." Shepard ground out between clenched teeth. "This is Commander Kaidan Alenko."

The human male blinked a bit owlishly, his expression compressed into a frown. "Didn't he die on Virmire with Will Ashley?" Another dismissive wave of his hand. "Not that it matters. Oh, wow! I didn't know you had _that_ in azure!" He clutched at the protesting salarian and pulled him away as Kaidan managed to get Shepard out of the store without bloodshed.

"I am seriously starting to hate that man." Shepard growled pulling her arm back to toss the datafile.

Kaidan caught the file before she could let loose. "Come on, Shepard. How bad could it be?"

"I have never met a _Will Ashley_ in my life. That's how bad it can be!" Shepard hissed back. "If you want to read it, fine. I want to drink so much I pass out and wake up in a public bathroom with a turian urinating next to me."

"I thought last time was the last time?"

She glared at him while he chuckled and walked with her back to the Normandy.

* * *

Shepard frowned as she entered the cabin and heard a strange pounding sound. She moved around the corner and arched an eyebrow as Kaidan continued to pound a datafile with a hammer.

"We need to kill it, Shepard." He said in a determined voice. "We need to put a stake through its heart, cut off its head and put it out in the sun until it burns with a holy fire."

Shepard bit back a smile. "It's a datafile, not a vampire, Kaidan."

"Yeah? I'm not so sure since it sucked the soul out of me." He answered as he continued to pound the file.

"I take it you didn't like his 'improved' facts?" She stood next to him, weight on one hip, eyes lit with humor.

"He didn't mention the geth by name, Shepard. Not once." Kaidan looked up at her. "He completely botched the purpose of the Citadel. He made Liara sound like a…a…" Words failed him and he shook his head. "I can't even say it. Which reminds me, I need to call her and warn her she has a stalker."

Shepard licked her lips. "You're pissed he spelled your name wrong, aren't you?" She said with a grin.

Kaidan narrowed his gaze at her. "This goes beyond spelling my name wrong, Shepard. This…this thing…you realize people who come into contact with this will think it's the truth?"

Shepard gave him a mock serious look. "It's okay, Kaidan. If you're a good kid, I'll give you a lollipop." She patted him on the head.

His expression darkened further. "With fire, Shepard. Burned with fire, the ash scattered in space where it will drift for millennia never to be reformed."

She laughed and moved away from him. "You'll just have to live with it, Kaidan. It's out there. Nothing you can do about it now."

Kaidan looked down at the shattered pieces of the datafile a slow, evil smile curving his lips. "Oh, really? We'll see about that."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Mack Walters-Chudson, we're not sure what happened." Prest Kriesley wrung his hands, his expression worried. "We're not sure how the bug happened, but all the pictures of Liara you have throughout the datafile have been replaced. We're trying to find the source but the sig he used on his work…BioticGodFTW…is an unknown one."

"This is an outrage!" Mack Walters-Chudson raised his fist, shaking it. "I want an immediate patch!"

"Yes, Great One." Prest Kriesley bowed backing out of the room.

"Don't worry, my precious." Mack Walters-Chudson stroked the image of Liara painted on the wall of his office. "We'll get it fixed. It will all be well. I will make it well and they will love you."

* * *

"What are you grinning about, Kid?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest. "I could insert an obvious pedophile joke here or I can prove to you I'm not a kid. Your call."

She simply laughed. "I call option two and pity those who have no idea what they're missing."


End file.
